Tamatha McIntosh Crowson posted something on Facebook. She’s asking questions I’m struggling to find answers for. Not because I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s what she wants to hear. Sometimes we just need to hang out with people. There are no answers needed. Just a simple, “I don’t know,” and then we shut up.

She wrote: “If God already has a plan, what’s the point in praying? Why do people say things like, ‘Your prayers are working, keep them coming!’, as if praying is like voting, or as if God is some kind of genie in a bottle granting wishes? And if there’s a lot of people praying and they don’t get the answer they want, why don’t they say stuff like, ‘Your prayers didn’t work,’ rather than ‘God had a different plan’? It seems to me that God cannot be in control AND ALSO swayed by begging at the same time.”

The thing is, she’s right. She’s right about every single word.

I’m not going to argue with her theology, here. I’m nowhere near qualified. And honestly? I’m not sure she needs an answer.

What I know about Tamatha is that she’s been through things that would have ended most people. I know because what she went through was similar to what I’ve personally experienced. She rebuilt her life. From nothing. She lost Blake. And never quit, never gave up. She kept going. That takes way more courage than most people realize.

Good for you, Tamatha.

So, when she asks what the point of prayer is, what I hear is someone who prayed, and prayed hard. But the worst thing happened anyway, in spite of her prayers. And then people showed up, explanations in hand. Their ‘God-had-a-plan’ speeches. Their ‘keep-the-prayers-coming’ energy. Both of these things aren’t bad by themselves, but when you focus on that, and not what she’s asking, are you really showing up for her?

I get it because I’ve been on the receiving end of that, too. After Jude died, people said things meant as comfort, but they landed like rocks. When Tamatha showed up with food for our family, she didn’t say much, but that spoke to me more than those who showed up with the language of prayer-as-transaction. It is everywhere in the church, and it is cruel to people who are grieving.

Tamatha is spot-on to call it out.

But that version of prayer? The genie model. The voting booth model. Neither of those are prayer. Scared people turned it into prayer because sitting in the mystery is way harder than trying to control or manage it.

For me, praying is less about changing the outcome and more about facing the morning with Jesus nearby.

That’s it. Something that simple is a less-than-satisfying answer.

When Blake died, no prayers brought him back. When Jude died? No prayers brought him back either. The prayers people said over me didn’t fix anything, and I’d argue some of them made it worse.

Was it an answer? No. Was it a plan revealed? No. It just held. That’s all I can tell you.

Can I prove it? Nope. And I’m not offering this as a solution to what Tamatha is carrying. Grief needs space, company. Someone willing to sit and hang on.

So, Tamatha? Your questions are so good. The double standard is real. The genie theology is harmful. And you’re right to name it.

But prayer, at its best, was never a transaction. Prayer is a way for us to communicate with Jesus, to say, I can’t do this alone. And it’s a two-way street. We have to listen as well as ask.

And maybe that’s enough.

Maybe it isn’t.

But that’s not for me to decide.

You get to choose that for yourself.