Blood is pouring from me, from an open wound. Ripped apart, emotionally cut to the bone by those closest to me. Or at least that’s what it felt like to me. I was patiently waiting, longing for a conversation. Even an apology would’ve been nice. At the very least my expectation was a friend, a coworker, a family member, to acknowledge my hurt and help me stop the bleeding.

But that never happened.

Yet, somehow, alone, I managed to slow my bleeding. It’s not stopped, and from time to time? It’s painfully ripped open again, reminding me it’s still there, hasn’t healed.

And it still hurts!

After reading what Jesus says in Matthew? Now I get it.

It’s time to let go.

Somehow.

“The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”  Matthew 18:32-35 MSG

I’ve read this dozens of times, thinking forgiveness is more of a theological exercise, something I could nod at from a distance.

But now, it’s personal.

Because Jesus calls me to forgive. The first servant in this story owes an unpayable debt, and we won’t know why, but the servant? He got complete forgiveness. Then what does he do? He turns right around and chokes a fellow servant. Over pocket change! The king’s fury came from the servant failing to let his master’s mercy reshape him.

Jesus forgave me for more than I can even fathom, much less attempt to calculate. That’s why I am struggling to forgive.

For me, what does forgiveness look like? Especially when the other person won’t even acknowledge my debt to them? Or theirs to me?

It’s tough to recognize that forgiveness and reconciliation ARE NOT the same thing.

Forgiveness starts inside you and me. It’s my choice to stop holding out and waiting for payment from the person who hurt me. Forgiving starts between Jesus and me, in the silence, those quiet places where I rehearse conversations that will never happen face-to-face.

Reconciliation? That’s harder. That takes two people. And acknowledgment one hurt the other. Repentance is a willingness to accept and acknowledge that you did or acted in a way that was out of line. A slow rebuilding of trust starts with forgiving the other person. Like it or not, you can’t reconcile alone.

Believe me, I’ve tried.

So can I forgive someone and still keep healthy boundaries? Yes, I think so. But just because you forgive the person who robbed your house of your surround sound system, big screen HDTV, personal computer and all your jewelry doesn’t mean you make them a spare key and then give them a copy of your work schedule!

It’s tough to put it down, but I’m trying. I’m learning. The invoice. That itemized list of what that person who hurt me still owes me. Most days, I really want to pick it back up, stuff it deep down inside me, and let it fester until it boils over into my other relationships.

Then I remember Jesus’s words and set it down. Again.

And this is where I am. Still learning, and still opening my hands.

The king forgave a servant’s unpayable debt.

I wonder. What might happen if we acknowledged our hurts and chose to forgive, even knowing reconciliation might never come?

I think we might finally be free.