Before I turned six, Christmas was a joyful time. James and I watched Dad build a homemade toy box, big enough for two boys to climb inside. Did we get a lot of stuff that year? I don’t know. But that box? Complete with the dark brown, almost black, shag carpet glued on top? It was the best present two boys under ten could ask for!

Now Christmas reminds me of what is gone. Winter is bleak, cold, and seemingly unforgiving. Dark. Overcast, most days. Some bring snow. Then sleet. Or freezing rain. Bring on the shivers. Bundle up and stay warm.

Followers of Jesus turn toward Advent, a season of anticipation for the birth of Jesus. A period of waiting. An in-between time where you pause and wonder if God still cares. Does He really love you?

Sitting with those thoughts, I remember the gifts I need to purchase or make. Will the person receiving the gift understand my love behind it? Will it make sense to them? Or is it a waste of my money and resources to give to an ungrateful person? Better question: Am I the ungrateful one?

Four times Christmas has come and gone, and still I feel sad because my son is gone. Four Christmas seasons. And I’ve done my best to be holly and jolly, trying to smile when inside I feel the loss. The more time goes by, the easier it gets. But there will always be a sadness and ache inside me, missing Jude.

Christmas Number Five is fast approaching. And this year? I’m sad. But it’s not a feeling of grief. Instead, I’m sorry for many other reasons. I’m sad for those who won’t have any Christmas at all. Sad that people in my own small community will be hungry, hurting, and feeling alone and unloved.

Yet, as I write these very words, a sense of love, gratitude, and peace is washing over me. God loves me. Jesus loved me enough to die for me. I am so grateful for that! And I want to show that to other people.

Today, instead of focusing on how to recapture a joy once experienced, I will be the reason someone smiles. I will look the cashier in the eyes and mean it when I say ‘thank you.’ I want to let someone merge into traffic without feeling any irritation. I want to notice one person who needs help carrying groceries back to their car.

Instead of grieving this year, I am choosing to love. I will experience Christmas in a new way. Giving away the love that was first given to me.