Say It Out Loud

Church relationships fracture in the silence between what we need and what we never say out loud.

You’re struggling. Instead of asking for specific help? You drop hints. “Things have been really hard lately.” Your expectations? They aren’t being met. Because you expect them to know you need someone to bring dinner, watch your kids, or just sit with you. All without trying to fix anything. When they respond with empty platitudes? Things like, “Well that sucks.” Or, “I’m sorry to hear that” instead of spending a few minutes listening quietly and modeling active listening. That’s when the gap widens. Both sides walk away frustrated, hurt, and feeling neglected.

I’ve lived right there, in that gap, walking into rooms expecting understanding. I leave carrying more isolation. The space between what I needed and what others offered felt like a massive canyon.

Most broken church relationships don’t shatter over theology. They fracture in the gap of unspoken expectations, conversations turning into weapons instead of bridges.

People wound each other by rushing past the slow work of listening, clarifying, and repairing. We assume others see our needs clearly. People miss the signals we’re sending. Our expectation is they should help, without us showing them how to do so. When no one names the gap, it grows. Then it swallows everything!

But learning to fight cleanly and clarify expectations? That was a game changer for me. Not avoiding conflict. Engaging it, but differently. Leaning toward understanding instead of blaming.

Fighting cleanly means naming my pain without cutting someone down. Describing what happened without attacking character. Separating the issue from the person.

Clear expectations have four parts:

• Conscious (I’ve thought about what I need)
• Realistic (something they can actually do)
• Spoken (said out loud, not hoped for)
• Agreed upon (we’ve both said “yes”)

For years, my expectations were for my friends and family to read my mind. My assumption? Their “yes” meant the same thing mine did.

When churches miss relationship building, it happens because people rush instead of slowing down. We say “we’re here for you” without asking what it looks like for you.

If you’ve been hurt in that gap between good intentions and lived experience? God sees you. Right there. He’s growing your roots in unseen places first because He knows you’ll need that strength for seasons ahead. This isn’t just about fixing broken relationships. It’s about rebuilding the way we do community entirely.

All healthy relationships need intentional soil. Honesty. Active listening. And courage. Courage to name the real issue, without vilifying the other person.

One day, you will be the safe shade for someone who is weathering the same storm you lived through. You’ll speak life because you learned to walk through conflict without losing sight of how to love. And together, we’ll raise something new from the wreckage. Communities that actually know how to care for each other well.

When the roots run deep, the branches reach far. The fruit lasts for generations.

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What’s one thing you need to say out loud instead of hoping someone will figure it out?

What’s one step you can take to build healthier relationships?

Read more about my story here.

#ChurchHurt #HealthyRelationships #EmotionalMaturity #FaithAndHealing #AuthenticCommunity