Tuesday morning, June 4, 2014. It’s burned in my memory because I got a call at 8:17 A.M. interrupting a brief meeting with the senior pastor. Our discussion included the need to improve outreach, which started with building healthy relationships in our congregation.

The voice on the other end of the phone sounded strange. Distraught.

“Jenny is dead,” I heard a shaky voice say.

The blood drained from my face. I know because my pastor stopped long enough to touch my shoulder, mouthing, “You okay?” She was the sweetest 15-year-old in our high school youth group. Jenny was beautiful but not popular, choosing styles and colors that didn’t match or line up with the fashion of other girls. None of that mattered because her smile lit up a room. She showed everyone the same respect, regardless of who they were or where they came from. Even those kids who disagreed with her still liked her. Something inside her showed love to each person she met.

I hung up the phone and drove as fast as the speed limit allowed to be with the family. I had lived through this a few times, but not with a child I knew so well. That made it a lot tougher.

Jenny’s dad was inconsolable. Her mom? In a daze. Neither said much. I hugged them and prayed. I kept asking God, why? Why her?

Three years later, Jenny’s mom came to me, sitting in my office and sharing how her marriage ended, Jenny’s death being part of it. The couple drifted further and further apart, blaming the other for her death.

But that’s not why she was meeting me. A staff member came to her ‘from a place of love’ and told her she was still grieving. Then the staff person asked questions like, have you talked to a professional? Have you spoken to someone on staff? Have you contacted the ministry that deals with grief and come to their meetings? How are you feeling about Jenny’s death?

“All from a person I have no relationship with.”

Then she asked a hard question. “Where were you?”

The question took me aback. Where was I? I was serving our church. Dealing with staff issues. Building ministries. Creating connections with ministry partners. Doing my job. I was busy! But did I take the time to reach out to her? In her grief, where was our church? The ones who were supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus? Where was I? What happened?

Ministries claiming to be relationally oriented failed to reach out to someone I knew personally was suffering. I had to admit to myself that I, too, had failed her.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

She left my office that day, and I don’t know if she’s come back. I’ve not seen her since.

Building healthy relationships starts with reaching out to hurting people. It’s not telling them how they feel. And not waiting for them to come to you.